I Hate Modesty

I hate modesty. I hate how it makes me hate my body and my curves and then I hate how it makes me hate my body if I’m not acceptable to the male gaze. I have to be beautiful enough to be attractive but not too beautiful to make them stumble and lust. It’s my fault if no one wants me and thinks I’m beautiful and wants to marry me and then it’s my fault if someone wants to fuck me. It’s always about men’s opinions, and no matter what, I am always wrong. 

I grew up not being as accepted into the inner circle at church because I wore sleeveless shirts and didn’t go to all the services that were offered throughout the week. I wasn’t deemed a “good enough Christian girl”. No one would say that to me directly of course but you could feel plain as day what they thought of me. I hated myself for it.

Christians say that I’m not as good as them for showing that I’m sexy and for having a shape and for wanting attention. They say it’s my fault for not dressing modestly if someone whistles at me or thinks a dirty thought or worse if I tell them someone raped me they’ll offer sympathies and either ask what I was wearing or doing or gossip behind my back about how it was my own fault or partially my fault since I wore that outfit. Hypocritical vipers they are. They forget that every time Jesus taught about lust he said for the person lusting to gouge out their own eye. Never once did he instruct women to cover up more. They forget that when the Bible talks about modesty it’s talking about not flaunting your wealth around or bull-dozing over other people with your loud opinions. He says to respect yourself and others. Never once did he say to cover your breasts or ass. They seem to forget that in the Bible, Abba God says that he looks at and deeply values the heart and not the outward appearance. That’s what Jesus meant when he talked about modesty. It’s about our hearts and how we treat others and ourselves. Jesus said it would be better for a millstone to be tied around your neck and to be thrown in the sea than what would happen to you if you harm a child, but what do churches do? Tell the 13-year-old CHILD who has started to develop breasts that the adult men at church will lust after you if you wear that dress or those pants or that form-fitting shirt.

 I remember being so self-conscious about my body when I went through puberty. I developed way sooner than my other friends. I remember being so uncomfortable and constantly worrying about my neckline or if my shirt was too tight. Then deep down wanting to be noticed, craving to be told I was beautiful, then feeling sick and that I was deeply wrong to have those desires. I remember how strange and freeing it was going to a bar for the first time and not having every man lunging at me like I was taught would happen. I felt safer there than I did at church.

Here’s what I wish someone would’ve told me. Your body is sacred. Your body is beautiful. It’s ok to want to be beautiful. It’s so normal and ok to want to be noticed. It’s so normal and ok to want the attention of others. It’s ok to be sensual because becoming sensual is part of the process of growing into a woman. Celebrate your sexuality.  It has the power to create life. It has the power to express love. It has the power to feel into another’s soul. It is a powerful and beautiful gift for us to enjoy. But with great potential for good comes an equal amount of potential for evil. So wield that power with wisdom lest you or others get hurt. Abba God doesn’t care about what you do. He cares about what you do does to you. He doesn’t care about what you dress like. He cares about how you feel about yourself. Abba God doesn’t care about you having sex or who you have sex with. He cares about what having sex and who you have sex with does to you. It is not your fault if someone abuses you. It is not your fault what others think about you. It. is. not. your. fault. Abba God will hold them accountable for how they think about you and what they do to you. Abba God is not mad at you for being sensual. He made you that way and wants you to enjoy your body and enjoy what sensations your body can feel. He wants you to respect yourself and to respect others with your sexuality. Clothing is a message. You get to decide what the message says. You get to decide how you dress and how you present yourself to the world. Your body is sacred and deserves to be protected. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to protect you. It’s your joy to treat yourself like you are valuable. Just like you don’t throw pearls in the mud, you shouldn’t throw your body at any man, because not just any man deserves to look upon you. A man has to earn the right to hold you. He has to prove that he loves you and cares about how you feel and about your heart. He has to earn your respect and your trust. He has to respect you and listen to you when you say no or when you say yes. He has to respect your opinions and your wishes. He has to touch and caress your heart, mind, and soul before he has earned the right to touch your body. That is a great responsibility few men will be able to do, so don’t settle. Don’t compromise. Don’t devalue your body. Respect your body and your mind. Dress and carry yourself like the goddess that you are. Your value is not determined by how attractive men say you are. You are valuable because you are the image of Abba God and because he loves you so much. He has made you beautifully and wonderfully and no mortal man has the power to take that away. Walk with confidence and act true to your value.